I Did a Terrible Thing
by greysgilmoregossip
Summary: What if Meredith didn't end up sleeping with George, but instead ran into Derek? Will she be able to open up to him as a friend, or will it always be something more, and make a decision that confuses her even more?
1. Chapter 1

"No. No, I don't need anything from you." Meredith turned around. She hadn't let him see her cry. He didn't get to see her fall apart. He didn't get to see the remnants of what he had broken.

She got back into her car. She started her car, and started the familiar route to the hospital. She let the tears fall silently, down her cheeks, onto her lap.

She hurried through the doors. Cristina must still be here.

She was running now. She didn't realize, but she was. She hurried around a corner, and crashed into someone.

"I'm so sorry-" she started collecting the contents of her purse which had spilled across the floor. She looked up. Oh, God.

"Meredith." Derek helped her gather her belongings.

"Are you okay?" She kept her eyes on the ground, picking up pens and receipts.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." She tucked her hair behind her ear. He could sense the unsteadiness in her voice.

"Meredith," he put a hand on her shoulder. She stood up, swinging her purse back over her shoulder.

"I'm fine! I'm okay." But she wasn't. "I'm okay, okay? I'm fine, I am-" but she couldn't do it anymore. She let it go, let it all go. Her anger at ER father, her sadness, her disappointment. He pulled her quickly into a supply closet.

"Hey, hey. Take a deep breath." He pulled her close to him, running his hand over the hair on the back of her head. And she cried. She pretended for a second that he was just Derek. He hadn't left her. That he was just him, with his trailer, who loved ferry boats. The smell on his shirt, pine and cologne, it put her at ease.

The last of her sobs trickled out.

"I'm okay." She took a step away from him.

"No, you're not. What happened?" There was concern in his voice.

"I, I went to see my father." She looked up into his eyes. She could see his fatigue, his worry.

"I'm guessing it didn't go very well."

She shook her head.

"No. Not at all. I just, I didn't know what to say. I asked him, I asked why he didn't fight for us. Why he just left us, why he left me. He never called. He never sent a letter. Nothing."

She leaned up against the shelf in the closet. She looked down at the floor.

"What did I do? Was I whiny? Was I just homely? Did I look like her, or not enough like him?"

"Meredith," Derek knew he couldn't touch her.

"You didn't do anything. He was the adult, he should've done better. It wasn't you."

She shook her head, and offered a sad smile.

"I know. That's what everyone says." She could feel more tears on their way.

"But then why does he have two other daughters, who he loves? Why couldn't he love me? What was different?" She sniffed.

"Why can't anybody just stick around long enough to love me." She said, barely audible, below even a whisper.

He wanted to desperately to tell her she was wrong. To tell her what he knew for sure. To tell her everything he had wanted to say for months.

She took a deep breath.

"Anyway," she wiped tears away.

"What about you? I'm sorry about Mark, that couldn't have been easy."

He sighed, leaned on a shelf across from her.

"No. It wasn't." He laughed, it had a sad tone to it.

"And I'm sorry. That I flirted with him. I didn't know, I wouldn't have don't that." Mark's words flashed through her head.

{ "But Derek sees me so much as talking to you, and I'm on the ground bleeding." }

"Don't worry. That was just the straw that broke the camel's back. Many a straw of adultery." She laughed, and he let his guard down and laughed with her.

He took a step toward her.

Her back remained pressed up against the shelf.

He took another step. Keeping his eyes locked with hers.

He brought his face up, inches from hers.

She nodded slightly. Or maybe he had imagined it.

And his lips were on hers. It felt foreign to her. It was too much. Suddenly. A tear rolled down her cheek.

She pulled away, placing a firm hand on his chest.

"I have to go." She held back a sob, but it slipped out.

"Meredith, wait-" she slammed the door.

He sunk to the floor. He had kissed her. What had he done?


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all the feedback, I appreciate it so much, makes the writing process more enjoyable. I'll probably update a few times a week, as often as I can. This chapter is longer, so I hope you enjoy. Get ready for a secret revealed from Addison next chapter...Thanks for reading.**

 **-GGG**

Meredith's eyes fluttered open.

He kissed me.

The thought floated into her mind automatically, as if it has been lingering there all night. She could feel the weight of her body sinking into her bed, as if she was now one with it.

She should've gone straight home. She should've just called Cristina from home. She should've crawled into bed with a bottle of tequila and a pint of ice cream.

Wait. No.

She furrowed her eyebrows, and shook her head. No. He shouldn't have kissed her. He was married. He pulled her into the closet. God, how was she going to face Addison now? Would he avoid her? It had been a mistake. She made a mistake. A terrible mistake. Then why didn't it feel terrible? Why did it feel like everything had finally fallen back into place?

She got out of bed, and pulled on a sweater and her favorite pair of jeans. She looked at herself in her long mirror. She looked exhausted. She tried pulling her hair back, but just left it down. It hid the marks left by her pager she had left on her pillow.

She trudged downstairs, happy to see already brewed coffee in the pot. She poured herself some, and held the mug to her chest after taking a few sips. George and Izzie were already seated at the kitchen table.

"Uh, Meredith? You alright?" George said hesitantly, exchanging a glance with Izzie across the table. Meredith was leaning on the counter, her eyes resting closed.

"Yeah. Just a rough night."

"Were you on call last night?" Izzie asked.

"Uh, no, I just went in for a little and it got crazy. I need to shower."

She went back upstairs.

"She's lying," Izzie said quietly to George.

"How do you know?"

"She just said she needs to shower, she's already dressed. I know she wasn't on call last night. Something's up."

The elevator opened. A collection of nurses and doctors got off, leaving Derek alone with his thoughts.

He had always been able to control his impulses. He had always been able to think things through before e did them. Marriage. Specializing in Neurosurgery. Coming to Seattle. He had thought it all through. But not with Meredith. It was something about her, something made him crazy, made him act without thinking. He hadn't even thought about kissing her, he had just done it. It was an instinct. And suddenly, when he was kissing her, everything was clear and simple. He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

The elevator opened. And there were all Bailey's interns. Derek stood up straighter. George, Izzie, Alex, and Cristina stepped into the elevator. Meredith froze. Her heart sunk. He had kissed her.

She hesitantly stepped into the elevator. She stood next to him. The silence in the elevator was suffocating. Izzie and George exchanged a look. Cristina, looked from Meredith to Derek, and raised her eyebrows.

The elevator doors opened. Bailey was standing with her arms crossed.

"It's about time. O'Malley, you're in the pit, Stevens and Yang, to the clinic. And Yang, I don't wanna hear anything. Karev, you're with me. Grey, you're on neuro. Now move!" Izzie and Cristina started off to the clinic, Cristina already complaint about being away from cardio. Alex followed Dr. Bailey, struggling to keep up with her fast pace.

And Meredith was left standing in the elevator. Next to him. They started moving up, to the ICU.

Derek broke the silence, turning to her.

"Look, Meredith-"

"How about we just not talk about it, okay?"

"I don't want to not talk about it."

She turned to face him.

"Well then what exactly do you want? Do you want a divorce? Do you want a mistress? Is that what you want? Because I thought I made myself pretty clear that I wasn't going to do that. And then you're everywhere, and I-" she hesitated.

"What?" 

"Nothing."

The elevator seemed like it was taking forever.

"I kissed you and you ran away. Can we talk about this, please?"

"No, we cannot talk about this!" She shouted. She gestured to the two of them. He sighed.

"Jane Morison, age 27, suffers from grand mall seizures in the-"

"What?"

"Well, you said we can't talk about us, so I was just going to fill you in on our patient."

Meredith laughed.

"Oh, this is going to be a great day."

The elevator doors opened, and Meredith followed Derek down the hall.

The patient's room was dark, only a single lamp and the light from the machines were on.

Meredith looked down at a small woman, with an eye mask on, laying flat on her back on the fully reclined bed.

"Jane Morison, age 27, suffers from grand mall seizures when exposed to light. In for an exploratory craniotomy to determine the cause of the sensitivity." Derek's voice was soft, only loud enough for Meredith to hear.

"Ms. Morison, do you have any questions about today's surgery?"

The woman gently pulled down her eye mask, but kept her eyes closed.

"Only one. How fast can you make it so I could go outside for once?" Jane's voice was high but demanding. Derek chuckled.

"Your surgery is scheduled for 3. Dr. Grey is going to prep you for surgery."

Derek stepped out of the room, but not before whispering in Meredith's ear: "I'll see you in the OR."

Meredith took a second look at Jane's chart.

"Oh my god, I can barely breathe!"

Meredith's eyes widened.

"Mrs. Morison? Are you having trouble breathing?" She hurried across the room to get the oxygen mask.

"Cool you jets. I was talking hypothetically." Meredith stopped, and turned around to face her patient again.

"Excuse me?" Meredith raised her eyebrows. Jane sat back and pulled the eye mask back over her eyes.

"The tension in this room is excruciating. Lover's quarrel?" Meredith was surprised at the bluntness of her patient.

"Um, I'm not sure I understand," she mustered.

Jane sighed frustratedly.

"You and Dr. Hottie! Are you fighting?" Jane sat up slowly, and grasped Meredith's arm.

"Are you pregnant?" Meredith smiled.

"Mrs. Morison, I'm afraid my personal life can't be of your concern. I'm Jay's here to prep you for surgery."

Meredith started to record and double check her CT's with the nurse's notes.

"Oh, come on! I haven't been able to go to the beach, watch television, read, date in 8 months. Just think, I might did in surgery, and the last excitement I could enjoy would be counting down from ten while they put me under. Give a little!"

Meredith laughed softly. What could it hurt?

She turned, to look around to make sure no one was observing them. She sat softly on the bed.

"Well, Dr. Shepherd, who will be performing your surgery is married."

Jane bolted up to a seated position, removing her eye mask.

"No! Married?"

Meredith nodded.

"Married. And we had a bit of a fling before I knew. About his wife."

Jane hugged her knees to her chest, like a schoolgirl at a sleepover, hearing the latest gossip.

"So you're fight about how he didn't tell you about his wife?"

Meredith sighed.

"Well, we did. And then we tried to be friends. And then, it's just- complicated, and then he kissed me-"

"He kissed you? When?"

"Last night."

"Oh, suddenly I'm pissed I won't be awake for this surgery. Tell me, are there countless heavy glances, stolen kisses?"

Meredith stood up.

"I'm afraid that's all I can tell you for now. I really do have to prep you now."

The interns had gathered for lunch in the tunnels, all except Alex, who was stuck in surgery with Bailey.

"Cristina, do you have any idea how much one of those thermometer sanitizers costs? You can be taking your temperature to amuse the other residents to see if you can be admitted."

Cristina took a bite of her sandwhich.

"Oh, give me a break. If I could be decannulating a heart instead of playing preschool Doctor, I would."

Meredith was sitting next to Cristina on the bed, but she wasn't eating. She was anxiously twisting her fingers in her hands.

Cristina noticed her friend's lack of a lunch.

"Hey, what's up with you? Did you kiss McDreamy in an elevator or something?"

Meredith's head turned to face Cristina quickly.

"What? Who told you?"

Cristina and Izzie, mouths open, exchanged a look, and turned back to Meredith.

"I was kidding!" Cristina laughed at the irony. Who would've known she would guess exactly what was wrong?

"You kissed McDreamy in an elevator?" Izzie said in hushed tones.

Meredith sighed, hiding her face with her hands.

"It wasn't an elevator, it was a supply closet. And I didn't kiss him, he kissed me."

"But you two kissed? Just kissed, in a closet?" Cristina shook her head in disbelief.

"You can't tell me that's as far as it went."

Meredith picked her head up from her hands.

"That is as far as it went! Because he's married!"

"Why- is he getting a divorce?" Izzie questioned.

"I don't know, I don't know what any of it means. And of course, of course I'm on his service."

Izzie took a bite of her salad.

"Well, all I know is that after what he has pulled in elevators before I wouldn't be suprised-"

Meredith swatted Izzie's leg.

"Would you both stop it! This is serious!"

Cristina and Izzie sat up starlight we on the bed, releasing a chorus of "oh yes of course very serious".

Meredith's pager beeped. Shepherd. To Jane's room.

"I've gotta go." She started running down the hallway.

"Thanks for your help!" She said sarcastically, as she continued on her way.

Izzie and Cristina kept eating.

"She's so screwed."

"So screwed."

Meredith approached Jane's room, but the bed was empty.

"Dr. Grey, she's been taken into OR 7." A nurse said.

Meredith hurried to the Operating floor.

She flew through the door, and saw that Derek had already begun. She quickly scrubbed in.

"What happened?" She cried her hands on a towel handed to her.

"She started losing motor control, the tumor was encroaching on that area, but I never thought it would get this bad this fast."

Meredith stepped up to the magnifying microscope. She watched Derek maneuver around the delicate veins carefully. It felt like the rest of the world had frozen, and in that moment it was just them.

Maybe it had been an hour. Maybe it had been ten. She couldn't tell. It was peaceful. Everyone once in a while he would ask for a tool, for a clamp, for a towel for himself.

But finally, he had done it. She watched his debunk the tumor carefully, painstakingly removing every part. When the last of the mass had been removed, she looked up over the microscope at him. He broke his own focus, and met her gaze. It said everything. One look. Nothing else existed for a second, for a second it was just them. Alone. Together.

She was almost finished scrubbing when he entered the scrub room. He pulled his mask down from over his mouth. He turned on the faucet, choosing the one closest to hers. Once he had finished scrubbing, once they had both finished, he paused. She stood, slowly drying the last of the water off her hands. He leaned against the sink. She did the same. They said nothing.

And almost like a magnetic force, his hands were on her jawline, around her neck, pulling her lips up to his own. Her hands reached up, to the back of head, untying his scrub cap. He wrapped an arm strongly around her waist, pulling her even closer to him. God, he couldn't get enough of her. It was like every time they kissed, he got a fresh breath of air, like he had told her. And then when they weren't, when he was left with only thoughts of her, the air ran lower and lower. He had run out now. He needed her. All the time, he couldn't breathe. He could sleep, not next to Addison, not alone. She was the last thing in his mind before he fell asleep, the first when he awoke.

She placed a firm hand on his chest, then reached behind her to remove his hands from her waist.

They both gasped. She placed a hand over her mouth, touching her lips, over her forehead. It was all too much. She couldn't think straight, she couldn't breathe. Her mind was racing, her heart was racing, she was pacing a round the room. She froze, and then burst out of the scrub room.

"Meredith,-"

And she was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3. Hope you enjoy, keep reviewing, I'm always open to input on the plot and characters in future chapters. Thanks for reading x**

 **-GGG**

Derek was filing. He was filing. And organizing. Whenever he need to think, he could file. Papers, insurance. Everything. Organized and complete, hoping the thoughts in his brain would mimic the endless paperwork.

He hadn't even thought about it. Not once. He had watched her run out of the scrub room. This time he let her. He knew he had done enough already.

He picked a pile of insurance papers that had been mailed from New York. He had fallen behind, when he came to Seattle. He had left everything.

He looked thumbed through the papers absentmindedly. One yearly check up for him, one for Addison. But there was another paper. Derek took it out from the pile, reading it in more detail.

Pregnancy Termination. The words were bolder on the page. Addison's name written under the claim. His heart dropped in his stomach. When? He read the date it was months after he had left New York. It couldn't be his. He knew for a fact. There was no way. He ran it over and over in his mind.

Mark. It had to have been Mark's.

He stormed out of his office. The Chief saw him walking down the hall.

"Derek, is everything all right? I saw Meredith hurrying out of the scrub room earlier."

Derek sighed.

"Oh yeah, just fine. Tough surgery. It was overwhelming. Have you seen Addison?"

The chief thought for a moment.

"I thought I saw her in the attendings lounge."

Derek took off. This couldn't be right. He couldn't believe she would come out here, not telling him she gotten pregnant, and acting like it was him who had betrayed her with Meredith.

"Addison?" Addison was flipping through a patient's chart on the couch.

"Derek?" She took her glasses away from her face.

"Did you abort Mark's child?" He held this insurance paper right in his hand. She froze, shocked.

"I-" 

"Did you abort Mark's child?" Derek demanded again.

"Yes. I did. But Derek, there's more to the-"

"No!" He shouted. "There's no more to the story, and there is no more to this marriage. How could you not even- with Mark? All this time? This wasn't an affair, this wasn't a one time thing, was it?"

She blinked away tears gathering in her eyes.

"No. No, it wasn't."

He was dumbfounded. She stood up to approach, but before she could, he was gone.

Meredith closed the door to her bathroom behind her. She was still wearing her scrubs. She slid down the door to a seated position on the floor. She couldn't work with. She couldn't. She had tried to. But she knew now that if he couldn't decide, she would. She couldn't keep doing this. Yet, it was all she wanted to do.

She could still feel remnants from the feeling of his hands on her hips, on her face, behind her head.

She caught her breath. In, and out. In, and out.

She was glad no one was home. She was alone, all alone, and for once it felt good. She could think. She could breathe. On her own.

Cristina stood at the OR board. Meredith never left without telling her, complaining about patients and the dark and twisty nature of their existence. It was off. Everything was off today.

She was still studying the board when he heard a door slam. Out walked McDreamy. He stormed passed Cristina, but immediately back pedaled.

"Have you seen Meredith- Dr. Grey, have you seen Dr Grey?" He caught himself.

Cristina raised her eyebrows.

"Um, no, not for a while, she left."

Now it was Derek's turn to be shocked.

"She left?"

Cristina scoffed.

"Yeah, she left, it's what some people do, they go home, maybe sleep a little, occasionally bathe-"

"Just," he hesitated.

"Will you make sure she's alright?"

He looked into Cristina's eyes, willing her to agree to take care of Meredith, because he knew Meredith wouldn't let him.

"I always do." Cristina nodded.

Addison climbed out of her cab.

"Could you wait a couple minutes? I'll need a ride to the airport, I just need to finish something here."

The cab driver nodded.

She was standing on Derek's land. His land, with his trailer. Where he had run away to, away from her.

She opened the door to the trailer one last time. She stepped around Doc's chew toys, towards the bed. She placed delicately papers. Signed. She was finished. Maybe he wasn't strong enough, but she was. She could be.

She stepped outside. She was free. She took a deep breath.

"Okay, all set."

"Where are you flying, mam?" The driver asked.

She smiled.

"Los Angeles."

"Meredith." Cristina stood in the doorway of Meredith's bedroom. Meredith was staring at herself in the mirror.

"Meredith," Cristina repeated.

"You left the hospital."

Meredith took her eyes away from the mirror to look at her friend. She tucked her hair behind her ears.

"Yeah, I just- I had some stuff to do at home, and I-" she sighed. She could tell Cristina in no way believed her. Cristina had folded her arms and was leaning on the doorway now.

"I needed some space. I'm good now."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm good."

They both stood still. Cristina took a breath in.

"Then I guess you won't mind that Derek is downstairs."

Meredith took a deep breath.

"I can tell him to leave, if you want."

"No. No, it's okay."

Meredith took one last look in the mirror. He left the bathroom, and slowly started downstairs. She could see him, shifting around her living room nervously.

He had his hands in his pockets. He always did when he was nervous.

She didn't say hello, she didn't need to.

"I just wanna say one thing." He said softly. He took a slow step towards her. She prepared herself. She tried to ignore the urge to kiss him again, to run her fingers through his hair.

"Okay. Say it." She crossed her arms. He smiled. God, she was beautiful all the time. When she laughed, when she was mad. All the time.

"I," He hesitated. He looked at her straight, into her eyes, and took a deep breath.

"I love you, too."


End file.
